Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
