How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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