wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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