That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
