Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
