So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
