I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
