Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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