Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
