i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
