he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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