It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
