if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
