rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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