i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
