Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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