I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
