I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
high people should be assigned attendants
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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