The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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