Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
