yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
