I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
