So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
