I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
