you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
