so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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