I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
