No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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