Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
