You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
