how do flat chested girls get laid?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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