Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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