AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You ruined the universe
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
