i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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