everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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