I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
