We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we're making bets on your personal life
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
