You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How external is "for external use only"?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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