he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
