She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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