I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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