I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
