I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
