I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
