I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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