Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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