so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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