I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
