She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
