So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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